Dramatic Conclusions

The Miracle I Almost Missed...Was You

Preview of

The Miracle I Almost Missed...Was You
The Power to Solve Relationship Mysteries

The Miracle I Almost Missed...Was You is a philosophical challenge to the way we view relationships in general. It is not a simple how-to book about dating, finding the right partner, or getting along better with people. Of course it contains uncommonly useful tips and how-tos for these specific situations, but the unique premise of the book is the development of one powerful tool; the power of delight. I do not use this invented word in the book, however, Delightenment! may be the best way to describe what I peddle and one of the major premises that makes the contents compelling. To make it possible for us to enter new realms in romantic relationships the book outlines and explains our need to be Delightened!

The word may be new, but the concept, of course, is not. Many great thinkers and writers speak of our need to surrender, to take ourselves less seriously, and to learn the discipline of simple delight in others as a stepping stone to fulfilling connection and romance. My focus and application of these concepts (and others) in The Miracle I Almost Missed...Was You is merely more thoroughly applied to romance, and, most importantly, more digestible.

The accessibility to this practical philosophical wisdom in The Miracle I Almost Missed...Was You is partly due to six critical elements that differentiate it from the other books available on this topic: 1) It’s a vulnerable, fresh, character-based approach. 2) It’s not gender specific, 3) It contains numerous true confessions, 4) It’s practical not theoretical, 5) It’s spiritual but not religious and 6) It’s short.

1. Rilke said, “The more one is, the more abundant is everything one experiences.” The book speaks from a raw, simple, non-moralistic, attainable, improve-your-character stance. Almost forty years ago I began speaking to audiences about relationships with this approach. My starting place was not just failure, but graphic failure, specific humiliations, how I didn’t get it, what I was really thinking, the chip on my shoulder, my embarrassing self-righteousness and maybe how someone wise helped me dig out, etc.

In writing and speaking, my message seems to make an impression particularly because I come from this place of multiple deficits. Maybe that’s because the audience also comes from this place. They either come from this place of deficit or believe they do and have been trying to keep it a secret for a painfully long time. Maybe my work has impact because this approach is rare and is as refreshing as a cup of cool water offered in that parched place where residents have long pretended to have no thirst.

Last week, in my seminar about dealing with difficult people, a woman approached me midday and said, “I am stunned. I came here thinking I was going to hear more of the same. Five minutes into your class I knew I was in big trouble. I knew I was the problem. I knew I had to prepare for a major paradigm shift.”

This is a common reaction to my speaking and my writing.

2. Many books in this genre speak from either the male or female perspective. I see the root problems to finding relationship miracles as being human specific not gender specific. Although, the men who read this book swear I wrote it more for males and the women who read it say I wrote it more for females. That’s a good sign.
3. Everyone loves stories; not hypothetical stories, real stories. I’ve included many personal experiences, original poetry, quotes and stories from a variety of sources and references from experts, from movies, from audios and from people in my classes on three continents.
4. There is no theory to weed through in this book. I cut to the chase. I go where the pain exists and apply the treatments my experience and research has taught me.
5. There are many Christian books written on this topic but this is not a Christian book. Although my spiritual awakening came through a Christian experience, I reverence spirituality from a broad platform and try to speak from that position. Throughout the book I refer to experts from many religious persuasions. For instance, I have applied principles from Eckhart Tolle’s, A New Earth, which may be viewed by some mainline Christians as New Age. That could cost me the Fundamentalist audience, but I would rather lose that than all others.
6. It’s short. On purpose. Because most of us still check how many pages we have to read before the end of the book and the chapter. There is much more I can write on the topic and will. This first in the series is 110 pages, 31,500 words in fifteen very short chapters. I intentionally designed it to be a quick read with some easy exercises and challenges. I imagine it as a small handbook rather than a full size book so that non-readers will be less afraid of it.

I have already started on two sequels to this book; The Miracle I Almost Missed...at Work and The Miracle I Almost Missed...in Adversity. I have plans for The Miracle I Almost Missed...Was my Family, The Miracle I Almost Missed...on Vacation, The Miracle I Almost Missed...at my Wedding, etc. All of these books will apply the power of Delightenment to the times and places of our lives in which we should have and could have been more present.

Sample Chapter

(to read more, email pamboydtalks@aol.com)

Chapter 1

Retro

What’s your experience?

If you brush past me without noticing

you brush past a body sacred

of experiences, of love, of fear

of times and centuries

of genetic code,

former living

and lives untold

If you brush past me

you brush past God

and you

and all that’s loved and lovable in this world

Who knew?

Maybe you’ve dated a lot. Perhaps the last time that you were set up with someone, or had a Match date, you were hoping that the mystery person would finally be the right person and that you wouldn’t have to date anymore. You probably hoped that this date would really see you, sincerely appreciate your good qualities and unselfishly give you their attention. And you may have been hoping that he or she would not be like the last person you dated or with whom you had a relationship.

Unfortunately, people who really see us and who will sincerely appreciate us are sometimes difficult to find. So, while waiting to stumble upon one, you may have been busy trying to protect yourself from all the other self-absorbed, negative, boring, tedious and selfish people out there.

This brand of self-protection has become a major preoccupation for many of us. Sub-consciously we are always weighing the cost of the whole dating routine against that of just doing nothing. We want to know how to avoid wasting our time with the wrong people while looking for the match that we believe is somewhere out there for us.

The Miracle I Almost Missed...Was You is offering you a fresh approach to this challenge.

I am continually amazed when I watch the world-renowned Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan and his “fresh approach” with his troubled canines. The dogs always get better when the energy and focus of the masters change. While Millan is working, it looks as if he is performing magic, but in reality, he is merely training the humans to see what is going on from a new perspective...the perspective of the dog!

His motto is, “I rehabilitate dogs; I train people.” And that is why he is so successful. Until the family of the canine is trained, the dog cannot be rehabilitated and the canine behavior will rarely change. The family really wants the dog to be different. They really love the dog. They really try hard. But nothing will change until they change their approach and the way they see the dog.

Many of us really want great relationships in our lives but we are continually getting the same inadequate results from our efforts. Like the families that Cesar Millan trains, we desperately need to be trained to see relationships from a new perspective...a perspective outside of ourselves.

In order to find our miracles, first, we must really see people, understand their point of view and appreciate everyone for who they are. As the poem at the beginning of the chapter implies, if we don’t, we may be missing our miracles.

We might think we really see people already, yet what many of us are doing instead of seeing them is seeing our own agenda. We are looking right past them to what we need them to be or do for us. We’re fudging. That’s not seeing, that’s judging!

We see someone; we automatically size them up, label them, criticize them, decide what we want from them or decide what we like or do not like about them.

In order to get better results with our relationships in general we must...

Quit judging

and simply start DELIGHTING

in the people we meet.

You may be thinking at this point; if I don’t size people up, how will I know who to avoid or who I want to pursue? Won’t I set myself up for more trouble or disappointment if I don’t carefully analyze my options and possibilities?

These questions imply the existence of the omnipotent list. Whether yours is a mental list or explicitly written out like a grocery list, the list is what we have decided is our minimum acceptable standard and this list has power! We’re not going to settle for anything less this time! That list is also omnipresent. It goes with us everywhere...on the airplane, to the grocery store, to put gas in your car, to the cleaners, wherever people are, we’ve got the list. (And the list will get its own chapter later.)

For now, let’s focus on these legitimate questions. To address them I’ll have to relate a recent and very illuminating party conversation on the topic of dating.

Self-Protection by bashing the opposite sex

There were six women in this conversation sharing their passionate dissatisfaction with “the dating scene”. One middle-aged woman even went as far to encourage a young woman in the group not to date in order to avoid all the losers and jerks she was sure to encounter out there. I was silent during her man-bashing, until she turned to me and said, “Come on! You’re not saying anything. Tell her what I’m saying is true.”

I’m afraid what I said didn’t exactly accomplish her objective.

“I cannot agree with you,” I said. “As an adult, I’ve never had a bad date. I’ve actually met many interesting men and had nothing but pleasant experiences along the way.”

After all the booing and hissing stopped, someone challenged me, “You can’t tell us that you’ve never gone out with a jerk!”

“Yes I can. I’ve never gone out with a jerk.” I continued, “And I attribute that record to this one fact: I always delight in the person I am with, even if that person is not the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I put my list aside and just enjoy the person, their journey, their life and the new window they open for me through which I can see a new world!”

The man-basher jumped all over this answer, “Yeah, but, how do you delight in someone who is a real creep? There are so many creepy, I mean, really creepy guys out there. Are you telling us that you would delight in a rapist?”

“No, I’m not saying that. Of course you should have a reasonable idea about a man’s strength of character before you go out with him. If he doesn’t have integrity, don’t go anywhere with him.”

“Well isn’t that easy to say?” the man-basher laughed sarcastically, “The trouble is ALL men represent themselves as having integrity and THEN you find out who they really are later! You can ask them all the right questions and they will give you all the right answers. But that doesn’t tell you anything!”

(By the way,if this would have been a group of men having the same conversation, it would have gone like this: “They ALL start out nice, but later they ALL turn into the ‘B word’.” Or, as one of my good friends says, “The babe you think is so hot just made some other guy’s life a living hell!”)

“First of all,” I continued, “one doesn’t find out who a person is by asking and answering polite questions back and forth. You find out who a person is by noticing who they are to other people. An old adage says it well;

“If you want to know what a person is really like,

watch the way they treat the people from

whom they have nothing to gain.”

Or, if you have only met online or on the phone, apply this adage;

“You can tell more about people

by what they say about others

than by what others say about them.”

(Or, I might add, what they say about themselves!)

“For instance, you’ll get a clue if someone is misrepresenting themselves or is going to do a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde-change later if you ask them about their former relationships. Notice if they are just as respectful and generous when discussing their ex, their parents, their former bosses, etc. as they are being to you right now.

If you have met them, observe how they interact with people in their path, i.e. the waiter, the clerk, the traffic, etc. The manner in which they treat these people is how you are likely to be treated when the newness of your relationship wears off.”

I went on to say that part of the problem with this approach is that we are often so negative ourselves that we don’t even notice the other person’s negative behavior as a big, waving-in-the-breeze-for-everyone-to-see, red flag! Here lies the real danger!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,

“People seem not to see that their opinion

of the world is also a confession of character.”

I have to admit that I wasn’t the most popular person at the party after sharing that quote. But for those who stayed with the conversation, we discussed two other major obstacles to really getting to know the people we date.

• We hear what we want to hear. We can be so optimistic when we are desperate to find a partner! We have this incredible knack for believing the best (even though someone is spewing negativity) until they later disappoint us. Then we quickly go back to the I-told-you-so mode. And,

• Last, but, by no means, least, there is the it-takes-one-to-know-one problem. If we are not people of integrity ourselves, how do we know if the other person is? We must be the person we want to meet: which means, no fudging on our age, our stories or our history.

We must be the person we want to meet!

If we want people to be honest with us, we MUST be honest with them. Honesty begets honesty. Humility begets humility. Arrogance begets arrogance. Fear begets fear.

And if we think someone won’t give us a chance if that person knows certain things about us, then that person is not who we are looking for anyway. We must move quickly away from anyone who will not accept us exactly as we are! We may desperately think this person is so perfect, but, in reality, the two of us are headed in completely different directions. Marianne Williamson warns in Return To Love,

“If it’s not your train,

don’t try to get on it.

Your train is coming later

and you don’t want to miss it.”

We must walk away but not get distracted trying to protect ourselves from getting involved with jerks. That self-protective behavior will surely lead to a dead end as well! Again, Marianne Williamson, quoting from A Course in Miracles, offered an alternative approach in A Return to Love that will keep us from becoming bitter, jaded, or arrogant toward our not-so-perfect dates;

“All that is not love is a call to love...”

When someone acts like a jerk, we still have the obligation to treat them with kindness. It’s important to remember that most people are doing the best they can with what they have. All of us are trying to get around the block with the least amount of pain. Some of us just don’t know how to do that without hurting other people. Yet, when we remember to cut a little slack and give people the benefit of a doubt, we can relax, take time to value them as human beings, and move on! This “healthy detachment” will make our dating adventures much simpler...and so much more delightful.

Romantic tension, anxiety, and disappointment

Romantic relationships can be so awkward and so illusive. We may be intelligent, successful and kind but are still daunted by the task of successfully pulling off a romantic encounter. So many things can go wrong...and often do.

Most of us have a history of botched relationships, near misses, and what-ifs in our dating lives. Sometimes, embarking on a new romantic adventure sets off alarms in our heads that warn us, shame us and ultimately freeze us in our own fear.

The Panic Attack

Dr. Henry Cloud, author of Boundaries, tells the story of a woman who called him in the middle of a panic attack begging for help. She had been following Dr. Cloud’s dating advice to meet five new men everyday when a handsome man struck up a conversation with her at a conference. She was very intrigued but, only minutes into the exchange, her heart began to race, she became short of breath and had to make an untimely exit. When Dr. Cloud asked her what she was thinking about while talking to the man, she finally admitted, with tears, that she couldn’t quit thinking about how big her butt was!!

After settling down, she told Dr. Cloud that her brother and his friends had made fun of her body when she was a young girl and that, even though decades had passed, she had never been able to remove herself far enough from their criticism. She had made excuses for herself about why she didn’t date and had successfully convinced many people in her life that she was happy remaining single, when it was actually her self-hatred and low self-esteem that were the root cause of her lack of companionship.

Peter’s Challenge

Recently, while waiting to catch a flight during a speaking engagement in Australia, I noticed man pacing back and forth in the boarding area. A few minutes later he sat down near me and I introduced myself to him. Because my accent revealed I was not a local, Peter asked what I was doing in Australia and the conversation rolled on from there. He told me he was a solicitor to which I responded, “So, what do you sell?”

Now, if I had been the slightest bit self-conscious about my image at this point, that brilliant response would have signaled the end of our conversation, since, in the Kings English, a solicitor is an attorney. But, instead, I laughed at myself and proceeded to ask if he were traveling on business or pleasure.

Bingo! Watching his face change, I knew I had hit on the source of his agitation!

“No. Yes. I...uh...am...uh...meeting someone in Melbourne ...actually...someone I met online. I’ve never done this before. Not sure it is smart of me to do so either. I’m hoping it will go well this weekend.”

His angst was painful to observe. We had only a few minutes more to chat before my flight began boarding. Reluctantly, I got up and wished him a very happy meeting.

Afterwards, I regretted not saying to Peter what I will say in this book. I probably will never know how things turned out for Peter, but I know this; if Peter would have heard these words and applied the principles discussed here, he would have been guaranteed a wonderful time!

So, for Peter, and for those who:

1. Are frustrated that partnership has eluded you,
2. Are searching online (and every time you are out in public) for the miracle match,
3. Are desperate to meet that right person,
4. Are about to give up hope of ever meeting the right person,
5. Are tired of all the hard work it takes to meet the right person,
6. Think, for some reason, you are not attractive enough to attract the right person, or maybe
7. Are stuck in a boring relationship with what appears to be the “wrong person”;

Here is the simple secret...

The simple power of delight

Learning to delight will guarantee Peter a successful meeting and a great experience. Using this power will also guarantee each and every one of us better results with our romantic encounters.

We will BE delightful if we are:

1. Not attached to any particular outcome.
2. Relaxed and joyful.
3. Delighting in the person we are with!
4. Staying present in the moment.

We will NOT be delightful if we are:

1. Thinking about ourselves or our agenda.
2. Worried about protecting ourselves from future pain.
3. Worried about what someone is thinking about us.
4. Judging, comparing or sizing-up someone.

Now, let’s pretend that Peter took this advice, BUT, the woman he was meeting did not. Instead, she was totally uptight and worried about herself, worried about the outcome, worried that Peter wasn’t going to like her or worried that Peter would not be who she had imagined.

Does that have to ruin things for Peter?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

If Peter takes the correct approach and is intensely present, in most cases, his date will gradually begin to mirror that demeanor.

Your presence will always bring the best out of people!

(There is a rare exception to this rule; a dishonest person may feel threatened by your genuineness and become angry and/or frustrated that you are not playing the game by their rules. But, that’s ok. A reaction like this will help you spot the potential problems right away!)

However, we can only maintain the correct approach and be present when we realize that getting a positive outcome from any rendezvous is not arbitrary or dependent on anything except our commitment to the power of delight.

When we are not attached to a particular outcome we can relax and enjoy our time with another human being without fear! Worse case scenario; the relationship doesn’t click romantically. If this happens, we talk about it and agree not to pursue the romantic route. Best case scenario; we have made a new friend.

However we must be sure (as I wished I had told Peter) to start out being absolutely delighted with the opportunity to learn about each other!

What a huge weight this approach would have taken off Peter’s shoulders!

Without this pressure valve the encounter may have looked something like this:

Scene I

Peter’s date (let’s call her Anne) meets Peter in the lobby of his hotel. Peter gets out of the elevator and sees the woman he thinks is Anne. She is (sort of) smiling when she walks toward him.

Anne says: Peter? I’m Anne. How was your trip?

Anne thinks: He’s shorter than I thought he’d be.

They make an awkward attempt at a hug.

Peter says: It was fine. So nice to finally meet you.

Peter thinks: She’s older than I thought.

Anne says: Yes. It is nice to finally get together. I’m glad everything went well on your flight.

Anne thinks: God, what now? There’s absolutely no physical attraction.

Peter says: So,(uncomfortable silence)would you like to go on to lunch?

Peter thinks: This is going to be an uncomfortable weekend. I’ve got to make up something about having to leave early.

They go into a restaurant and are seated. After they have ordered, they try to act normal.

Anne says: Well, we have so much to talk about. How long have we been emailing? Is it about a month now?

Anne thinks: Why is he staring at my neck? I knew he would think I’m too old for him. Men always think that. All men want a woman 20 years younger than they are. Men are such jerks.

Peter says: Yes, a little over a month, really. (Another uncomfortable silence) So, how was your morning? What did you do before I arrived?

Peter thinks: I don’t know why I thought we had so much in common. She doesn’t like me either. I can tell. She probably thinks I am too short.

Anne says: Not much really. I was behind on some paperwork. I’ve got so much to do before I go back to work on Monday.

Anne thinks: That will be a good out for me tomorrow. Besides, he’s not really interested in what I do. He’s just trying to be polite. God, is this boring! Well, it could be worse. He could have been a pervert and tried to force me into his room or something. That would be worse.

Peter says: I know what you mean. I’m really hoping that I can pull off the entire weekend...I mean, being away this long.

Peter thinks: Should I try to leave right after lunch and save the cost of the hotel room?

(The order arrives and they eat uncomfortably)

Peter says: So, how is your daughter? I’m sorry I won’t get to meet her this weekend.

Peter thinks: I shouldn’t have come. What was I thinking?

Anne says: She’ll be disappointed too, I’m sure.

Anne thinks: My daughter really thought this was a bad idea to begin with. This is what I get for taking a ridiculous chance like this. My daughter was right. Get me out of here!

Now, with the small adjustment

of Peter’s commitment to be delightful:

Scene I (with attitude adjustment)

Anne meets Peter in the lobby of his hotel. Peter gets out of the elevator and sees the woman he thinks is Anne. She is (sort of) smiling when she walks toward him.

Anne says: Peter? I’m Anne. How was your trip?

Anne thinks: He’s shorter than I thought he’d be.

Peter shakes her hand, and then gives her a polite kiss on the cheek.

Peter says: I’m so happy to meet you finally, Anne. You look lovely!

Peter thinks: I’m so happy to meet you finally, Anne. You look lovely!

Anne says: Yes, it’s good to finally get together. How was your flight?

Anne thinks: Well, he seems nice enough.

Peter says: So, should we go grab some lunch?

Peter thinks: So, should we go grab some lunch?

They go into a restaurant and are seated. Anne still seems a little uncomfortable.

Peter says: Anne you seem a little uncomfortable. I know this is a bit awkward. We expected that. I appreciate you willingness to take a chance with me, Anne.

Peter thinks: She’ll relax a little if she continues to feel my appreciation.

Anne says: No, no, no. I’m fine. Thank you for taking the chance with me.

Anne thinks: He’s so nice. I don’t care if he is short.

Peter says: So, tell me about your morning. What did you do before I arrived?

Peter thinks: I know she’s an interesting person. We just have to talk about what interests her. That will help her relax.

Anne says: Not much really. I was behind on some paperwork.

Anne says: Gee, he really sounds interested. He’s as easy to talk to as I thought he would be.

Peter says: Well, I hope my visit won’t put you more behind on your work.

Peter thinks: We’ll have a great time together. She won’t regret it.

Anne says: Not at all. I was looking forward to this.

Anne thinks: Not at all. I was looking forward to this.

Peter says: So, how is your daughter? I’m sorry I won’t get to meet her this weekend. She really sounds very interesting, like her mother.

Peter thinks: I love the way her face lights up when she talks.

With which scenario do you relate the most? Can you sense Peter’s confidence and strength? Can you see how it changes Anne when Peter is focused on her and not attached to a particular outcome?

Can you imagine the difference this can make for you?

As the opening poem suggests, we often miss some very important people, events and miracles in our lives.

I missed many miracles before I got it. You don’t have to.

“The state of your life is nothing more

than a reflection of your state of mind.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer

REALITY CHECK

Are you willing to try a new approach toward relationships and to believe that changes in you will change your experience with the people and events that come into your life?

Do you believe there are miracles out there for you?

CHALLENGE

Don’t allow yourself to lose hope, particularly if you feel that love has passed you by or finding love takes too much work. This book is in your hand for a purpose. When you get discouraged, remember that you are also the miracle that someone else doesn’t want to miss. Someone out there is waiting for you to be the miracle in his or her life!

Reading this book is helping you prepare for that encounter.

There is only one moment in time

When it is essential to awaken

That moment is now.

The Buddha

So, we all admittedly want a miracle in our lives. But what does that miracle look like specifically...for men and for women? You might think you know, but in discussions after my seminars I am continually amazed at the lack of understanding the sexes have about each other.